Life · Apology checker

Is My Apology Good Enough?

Check your apology for DARVO patterns, conditional language, excuse-making, and self-centring — before you send it.

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Apology checker

You named the specific thing you did — not just 'how it made them feel' You included the word 'if' — as in 'if I hurt you' You made an excuse or explained your reasons in the same sentence You spent more time describing your feelings than what you did You asked them to forgive you immediately or expected resolution now You said something like 'you know I didn't mean it' or 'I'm not that kind of person' You said clearly what you will do differently You gave them space to respond in their own time without pressure

Think about a specific apology you've made or are about to make.

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Questions, awkwardly answered.

Pending Podge approaches this with high standards.

Does your apology hold up?

Tick what applies and Podge will check it for the patterns that undermine apologies before they're even read.

— Specificity

— Deflection

— Change commitment

Technofatty result

Does your apology hold up?

Tick what applies to your apology to get a verdict on whether it holds up.

Use the result, sanity-check the assumption, then try a related tool if the question is bigger than one number.

Is My Apology Good Enough? technofatty.com

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Is My Apology Good Enough?

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What this means

This tool checks for the markers of a real apology versus the patterns — conditional language, excuses, self-centring, minimising — that turn an apology into a performance.

Formula used

Positive markers (specific act named, change committed, space given) minus negative markers (conditional 'if', excuses, self-centring, pressure for forgiveness, minimising).

Worked example

Named the specific thing, no 'if', no excuses, committed to change, gave them space — score +3. Nothing named, used 'if', made an excuse, asked for immediate forgiveness, minimised — score -4. Not an apology.

Common questions

What makes 'if I hurt you' a bad apology?
'If I hurt you' is a conditional statement that puts the existence of the harm up for debate. It implies it might not have happened, or that their feelings are the variable — rather than your action being the starting point. A real apology starts with 'I did X' not 'if you felt X.'

What is DARVO?
DARVO stands for Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender — a pattern where someone responds to being held accountable by denying the behaviour, attacking the person raising it, and positioning themselves as the real victim. Minimising language and self-centring are early-stage versions of this pattern.

Plain-English summary

Tick what applies to your apology to get a verdict on whether it holds up.

This section translates the result into a short, direct takeaway rather than leaving the page at a bare number.

Disclaimer: This tool identifies common patterns in apologies. Whether a specific apology is appropriate in a given situation is a matter of judgement and context that a checklist cannot fully capture.

Read the guide

How to make a proper apology — and what makes most of them fail

Most apologies fail not because people don't mean them but because they include elements that undermine them. Here's what separates a real apology from a performance.

Read the guide

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